i know. im slack

things have been busy

i have relocated to brighton. things here seem so much sunnier and pleasent. a good fresh start.

i've been in london a lot working on a magazine, interning, but it feels real permanent. i think even if i dont stay on i shall be around with work now and then.

ive taken to the dole for a bit so i can work on subtext, i feel like a total shit for not pulling my finger out and finishing it properly last issue. so this one ive started early. its exciting. i fucking love it already.

i dont know what else to write. im starting to feel more normal again. ive been letting my hair do its thing. i think ive changed quite a bit. ive read a lot. ive had a lot of time to think. its a long process but i dont want things to be getting on top of me anymore. i think the sea breeze and brighton will help this.

ive been reading about feminism and anarchy, my new housemate anna lent my a booklet. it was really interesting. id never actually read about an anarchist perspective before and i guess i had just taken the course that it means a destructive breakdown of society to rebuild. but this was much more interesting, much fairer. i plan to read more on it.

check me out, im back.

still a little contemplatative but that i think is a positive thing. i need to do something with my life, lots of energy and not enough ways to transfer it through see tickets office.

everything is going pretty well right now, i keep worrying if i keep saying that though something awful will happen and it will teach me right for being cocky. i really am not sure if i am coping with this properly, because ive talked to a lot of people about whats happening and they say im doing really well to be able to put it to one side and look at it and then move on... i have this constant fear i could just be trying not to face anything and then in a few years ill have a breakdown. but we always expected that anyway...

oh i dont bloody know.

anyway, have been walking home from work, although i have had a shift later than 5 o clock yet, and the sun is such a sweet blessing. i walked the route i took the night of the attack by myself yesterday. it was four in the afternoon and i only took it because i saw another man walk that way and i followed close behind him just incase. it feels like a million miles now. and i get nervous. i hate looking across the garden every few steps and walking past the broken and bent bushes by the side of the flat.

i would like to write about it but i cant do much that isnt just stream of conciousness right now. and while its highly theraputic i feel its less than interesting to read.

ive started going out again now too, on two occasions i was walked home by lovely gentlemen and that made me feel safer and happy that i could walk home in the dark at night and its still alright, and last night we took a taxi.

its so hard needing to rely on people. ive never had to before, ive always made sure of it and now im feeling trapped.

tuesday was the best day. we went to matlock bath and matlock and found an abandoned wildlife park in an old abbey out in ribley. it was great. it was also odd because it was the first time i got really nervous walking around an abandoned building, i tend to break into a lot of places looking for good photo oppertunities and do so with abandon. now i feel like im waiting for someone to jump out from behind doors. but ireckon id just say, what the fuck are you going to do, attack me, old fucking news.

i sat and read the beauty myth in the entrance to a tanning salon the other day while i was waiting for my friend. it made me feel stupid it was great.

i have the new found need to cut the dead bits and wastes of time from my life and start again.

bad things happened. of which probably the four people that have ever read this know. and unless the shock just hasnt set in yet i think im dealing with it very well. today is my frist planned walk into town alone which im quite excited about because i want to cope alone. although ill be home in plenty of daylight and knowing me ill cave and get a taxi. im back to work on monday trying to cope with one constantly dilated eye, oh yeah i have eye trauma or something and i have to put steroid drops in it and dilate it three times a day.

shitty shit shit.

im so glad i realised im not a victim. im really happy that its all stirred thoughts about how society does treat women, and the utter disgust that has borne from my insides that the prostitutes are being blamed for this. well it was a prostitute that got raped first. she was a woman at risk as much as i am. its the prostitutes that came forward and said they think they might ahve seen the boy that is attacking people. theyre the ones that come together as a community. and what is everyone else doing?

when i can type with two eyes open i will write properly about what happened.

and now

finally finally subtext is coming together, im so hopeful for it because i think with the amazing writing skills of all the ladies and the design of dave this magazine is going to attract a massive audience. im so excited that it might actually get people reading it and thinking and that people will want to react and write because of it. i love the idea of education.

in other news. lesbians being sacked from their jobs for having babies at a gay friendly company, whatever a gay friendly company is, apparantly they assumed because she was gay she wouldnt want babies, because theyre not normal are they. at least this is whats being said. but isnt it frustrating that deciding not to live like we're told to means we have to abandon all ideals of being a woman... excuse me while i go wash my dungarees.

now magazine did a top 100 beautiful/glamorous women lo and behold jordan or posh didnt make it into top 10 action. in fact a lot of the women picked were of a different generation the classical women of 50s fashion and quieter women of hollywood today (well catherine zeta jones and angelina jolie were there). so is glamour a concept we only understand as being associated with the past? when we see top 100 of women people respect or admire its the ones splashed all over the trash mags making money and being ripped apart day to day by the media and themselves. so beauty is an aspect that is unnattainable and we only admire those like ourselves? or what we see as ourselves. which is nice i guess to the effect that we are all faulty. i dont know. something doesnt hang right.

in personal news

i have a new housemate called vicky and im happy to be living with a girl, excitingly we've also engaged in serious conversations on anorexia, beauty upkeep and why we're slaves to make up, various feminist discussion.. this is ace. no one else would ever talk to me about these things.

i really am on my way to becoming a man hater. if theyd just give it a rest being rubbish.

im still working in a call centre. and its hard and boring and after a ten hour shift sat in the office watching the clouds blow by you kind of want to jump out of the window.


oh. dont catch bird flew.

xx

and now

finally finally subtext is coming together, im so hopeful for it because i think with the amazing writing skills of all the ladies and the design of dave this magazine is going to attract a massive audience. im so excited that it might actually get people reading it and thinking and that people will want to react and write because of it. i love the idea of education.

in other news. lesbians being sacked from their jobs for having babies at a gay friendly company, whatever a gay friendly company is, apparantly they assumed because she was gay she wouldnt want babies, because theyre not normal are they. at least this is whats being said. but isnt it frustrating that deciding not to live like we're told to means we have to abandon all ideals of being a woman... excuse me while i go wash my dungarees.

now magazine did a top 100 beautiful/glamorous women lo and behold jordan or posh didnt make it into top 10 action. in fact a lot of the women picked were of a different generation the classical women of 50s fashion and quieter women of hollywood today (well catherine zeta jones and angelina jolie were there). so is glamour a concept we only understand as being associated with the past? when we see top 100 of women people respect or admire its the ones splashed all over the trash mags making money and being ripped apart day to day by the media and themselves. so beauty is an aspect that is unnattainable and we only admire those like ourselves? or what we see as ourselves. which is nice i guess to the effect that we are all faulty. i dont know. something doesnt hang right.

in personal news

i have a new housemate called vicky and im happy to be living with a girl, excitingly we've also engaged in serious conversations on anorexia, beauty upkeep and why we're slaves to make up, various feminist discussion.. this is ace. no one else would ever talk to me about these things.

i really am on my way to becoming a man hater. if theyd just give it a rest being rubbish.

im still working in a call centre. and its hard and boring and after a ten hour shift sat in the office watching the clouds blow by you kind of want to jump out of the window.


oh. dont catch bird flew.

xx

laws and that

New laws may be being implemented soon to give lenient sentences to rapists and men involved in domestic abuse as long as the men can convince a jury they can change and go into counselling.

For me, this is a topic laced with many dangers, because while I see the need the for a punishment, a concequence for violent and inexcusable behaviour I also see a greater need for change in character and a learning curve to be implemented.

Prison is such an easy answer to any question, its such a cop out to punish people by making them dissapear and hope that when they’re reintroduced back to society they’ll function appropriately. If you already flaunt the law because you see no problem with it then what should happen so greatly in prison that would change your mind on the way back out? Something should be implemented to change views and opinions, punishment is not enough alone.

Of course, when does one say that someone has reformed their character? How can you tell that after two months in intensive counselling that a man will go back to his wife, or to a new partner with the respect any decent human being should give to another?

reform should be an important part of prison, and its not, at least as far as im aware its not. and so if we cannot reform criminals in prison what is the point of sending them there? to clean up the streets? its hardly clean when you can find the dirt just by the sidelines. so maybe this shows some sort of leeway with laws changing, and people changing. rather than pushing men with no respect for women into an all male environment where they arent learning to cope with their problems, problems which make the victimise women for their weakness, maybe we should look at the social implications of their actions.

ive been reading stiffed for a while now, and it covers a lot of problems with males feeling displaced in society and this feeling of loss being related to violence towards women, towards women these men felt were taking their rightful position in the home. and these men were sent to counselling groups where they would search for a supprt system that was not available to them as men.

i dont want to excuse anyones actions, allow them to go free for their crimes btu surely true penance for your wrongs is served when you realise the things you have done are wrong.

whats going on

ive been reading a little bit more with my free time recently and it just makes my stance on feminism all confusing. in fact, what doesnt? i would hate to say feminism is one thing, is anything but freedom to choose, because it has to be such a flexible movement.

i've been reading about the differences in liberal, radical, christian based feminism and seen good and bad points in each. the problem i encounter within all is that most are bound to certain ideals, to changing one thing, blaming one thing. but how is that helpful?

i get confused a lot being a feminist, or trying to be one, because i feel my beliefs are under constant speculation from people, feminists and not alike. and thats a lot of pressure. im aware that to some i live up to the patriachal society that is laid out infront of me, but at the same time i flout conventions set up for me.

im aware i embody certain male characteristics to prove myself in work, but i know being a man, being like a man, isnt what i strive for as a feminist. maybe i set myself up for a fall putting my movements down as male characteristically, but by type, by form for many years the way i work within a business is seen as a very masculine movement. i act, i suppose, more manly when in groups of males, ...

im confusing myself. im in the need to blog constantly about nothing at the moment. i suppose as i wait to start a new job im trying to re establish some sort of character and identity. i suppose when you are aware of the constraints that hold you in place it is so easy to get confused by them, by trying to get by living aside them while breaking them to let yourself live a life youre comfertable with.

bloody hell.

id just like to lie down a lot right now.





i spent a whole year doing work about the menstrul cycle, reading about it, taking pictures, looking at other peoples pictures and working my way through all the stereotypes of suffering that are built into the whole thing which seem to debilitate women for existing for five days. i could talk about mesntruation for hours, i could talk about old myths of it, old practices, hiding it, admitting to it, shirking embarrassment yet whenever mine rolls round i still manage to slide into the stereotype.

i dont know whether its because i skipped one, which i did so icould go out without worrying about bleeding everywhere, but this one feels like a doozy. but i also think its because i have done a few things i dont feel particuarly impressed with myself about this past month and a half.

i hate bad moods being written off as pms. i hate being sad being written off as the same.

i cant even be bothered to finish this post properly


sorry for being such a moaning mini today. literally.