check me out, im back.

still a little contemplatative but that i think is a positive thing. i need to do something with my life, lots of energy and not enough ways to transfer it through see tickets office.

everything is going pretty well right now, i keep worrying if i keep saying that though something awful will happen and it will teach me right for being cocky. i really am not sure if i am coping with this properly, because ive talked to a lot of people about whats happening and they say im doing really well to be able to put it to one side and look at it and then move on... i have this constant fear i could just be trying not to face anything and then in a few years ill have a breakdown. but we always expected that anyway...

oh i dont bloody know.

anyway, have been walking home from work, although i have had a shift later than 5 o clock yet, and the sun is such a sweet blessing. i walked the route i took the night of the attack by myself yesterday. it was four in the afternoon and i only took it because i saw another man walk that way and i followed close behind him just incase. it feels like a million miles now. and i get nervous. i hate looking across the garden every few steps and walking past the broken and bent bushes by the side of the flat.

i would like to write about it but i cant do much that isnt just stream of conciousness right now. and while its highly theraputic i feel its less than interesting to read.

ive started going out again now too, on two occasions i was walked home by lovely gentlemen and that made me feel safer and happy that i could walk home in the dark at night and its still alright, and last night we took a taxi.

its so hard needing to rely on people. ive never had to before, ive always made sure of it and now im feeling trapped.

tuesday was the best day. we went to matlock bath and matlock and found an abandoned wildlife park in an old abbey out in ribley. it was great. it was also odd because it was the first time i got really nervous walking around an abandoned building, i tend to break into a lot of places looking for good photo oppertunities and do so with abandon. now i feel like im waiting for someone to jump out from behind doors. but ireckon id just say, what the fuck are you going to do, attack me, old fucking news.

i sat and read the beauty myth in the entrance to a tanning salon the other day while i was waiting for my friend. it made me feel stupid it was great.

i have the new found need to cut the dead bits and wastes of time from my life and start again.

bad things happened. of which probably the four people that have ever read this know. and unless the shock just hasnt set in yet i think im dealing with it very well. today is my frist planned walk into town alone which im quite excited about because i want to cope alone. although ill be home in plenty of daylight and knowing me ill cave and get a taxi. im back to work on monday trying to cope with one constantly dilated eye, oh yeah i have eye trauma or something and i have to put steroid drops in it and dilate it three times a day.

shitty shit shit.

im so glad i realised im not a victim. im really happy that its all stirred thoughts about how society does treat women, and the utter disgust that has borne from my insides that the prostitutes are being blamed for this. well it was a prostitute that got raped first. she was a woman at risk as much as i am. its the prostitutes that came forward and said they think they might ahve seen the boy that is attacking people. theyre the ones that come together as a community. and what is everyone else doing?

when i can type with two eyes open i will write properly about what happened.

and now

finally finally subtext is coming together, im so hopeful for it because i think with the amazing writing skills of all the ladies and the design of dave this magazine is going to attract a massive audience. im so excited that it might actually get people reading it and thinking and that people will want to react and write because of it. i love the idea of education.

in other news. lesbians being sacked from their jobs for having babies at a gay friendly company, whatever a gay friendly company is, apparantly they assumed because she was gay she wouldnt want babies, because theyre not normal are they. at least this is whats being said. but isnt it frustrating that deciding not to live like we're told to means we have to abandon all ideals of being a woman... excuse me while i go wash my dungarees.

now magazine did a top 100 beautiful/glamorous women lo and behold jordan or posh didnt make it into top 10 action. in fact a lot of the women picked were of a different generation the classical women of 50s fashion and quieter women of hollywood today (well catherine zeta jones and angelina jolie were there). so is glamour a concept we only understand as being associated with the past? when we see top 100 of women people respect or admire its the ones splashed all over the trash mags making money and being ripped apart day to day by the media and themselves. so beauty is an aspect that is unnattainable and we only admire those like ourselves? or what we see as ourselves. which is nice i guess to the effect that we are all faulty. i dont know. something doesnt hang right.

in personal news

i have a new housemate called vicky and im happy to be living with a girl, excitingly we've also engaged in serious conversations on anorexia, beauty upkeep and why we're slaves to make up, various feminist discussion.. this is ace. no one else would ever talk to me about these things.

i really am on my way to becoming a man hater. if theyd just give it a rest being rubbish.

im still working in a call centre. and its hard and boring and after a ten hour shift sat in the office watching the clouds blow by you kind of want to jump out of the window.


oh. dont catch bird flew.

xx

and now

finally finally subtext is coming together, im so hopeful for it because i think with the amazing writing skills of all the ladies and the design of dave this magazine is going to attract a massive audience. im so excited that it might actually get people reading it and thinking and that people will want to react and write because of it. i love the idea of education.

in other news. lesbians being sacked from their jobs for having babies at a gay friendly company, whatever a gay friendly company is, apparantly they assumed because she was gay she wouldnt want babies, because theyre not normal are they. at least this is whats being said. but isnt it frustrating that deciding not to live like we're told to means we have to abandon all ideals of being a woman... excuse me while i go wash my dungarees.

now magazine did a top 100 beautiful/glamorous women lo and behold jordan or posh didnt make it into top 10 action. in fact a lot of the women picked were of a different generation the classical women of 50s fashion and quieter women of hollywood today (well catherine zeta jones and angelina jolie were there). so is glamour a concept we only understand as being associated with the past? when we see top 100 of women people respect or admire its the ones splashed all over the trash mags making money and being ripped apart day to day by the media and themselves. so beauty is an aspect that is unnattainable and we only admire those like ourselves? or what we see as ourselves. which is nice i guess to the effect that we are all faulty. i dont know. something doesnt hang right.

in personal news

i have a new housemate called vicky and im happy to be living with a girl, excitingly we've also engaged in serious conversations on anorexia, beauty upkeep and why we're slaves to make up, various feminist discussion.. this is ace. no one else would ever talk to me about these things.

i really am on my way to becoming a man hater. if theyd just give it a rest being rubbish.

im still working in a call centre. and its hard and boring and after a ten hour shift sat in the office watching the clouds blow by you kind of want to jump out of the window.


oh. dont catch bird flew.

xx